i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
