Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
