Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
