if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
