First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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