Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
