My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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