My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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