I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
