I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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