he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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