i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
