i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
