that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
