I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
