I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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