Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
