Walk of Shame. In a state park.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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