I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
