The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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