I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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