I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
