I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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