i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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