Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
