my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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