Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
