There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize