Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
