I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
