How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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