I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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