Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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