I think I died a long time ago.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
