I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
