My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
