the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
