my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
