I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
jump out the window naked night went bad
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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