I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
