yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
