My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
