No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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