grandma shit on top of the toilet
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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