Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize