Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
