proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
