i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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