grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
