my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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