she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
