She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize