i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
