I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
