so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
All I want is dick and wine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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