Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize