Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
