I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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