I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
