I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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