foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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